Hey, if you’re dumb enough to get married… there’s a few things you’re going to have to be okay with surrendering.
1.WHINING ABOUT YOUR «LOST FREEDOM»
You made your choice, pal. Nobody held you at gunpoint going down that aisle. You voluntarily committed to domestication. You made your bed, now sleep on the very edge of it with no blanket and a knee in your back.
2.ACTING LIKE YOU’RE FRIGGIN MACGYVER EVERY TIME YOU TURN A SCREW
Let’s all marvel at your wrench abilities after you just tightened the washing machine hose. Wow, you’re amazing, Tool Man. You have absolutely no idea what you’re doing and only just learned a Philips head from a flat head last week. When you were a bachelor, you called the super every time the air filter needed a change. You’re done, sit down.
3. JOINT FACEBOOK ACCOUNTS
Aww, do you miss your balls? Nobody likes joint accounts and the only thing we hate more than joint accounts are the people who have them. You look like an idiot and it makes us wonder if you keep your tampons in your pocket or in the man-purse she makes you carry. People with joint Facebook accounts are why terrorists want to kill us.
4. PRETENDING YOU STILL GAMBLE ON FOOTBALL
Oh yeah, like The Warden lets you spend your allowance when the Bears are -14.5 over the Packers. Sure you are, Ace. We all know you haven’t spoken to your bookie since the bachelor party and probably forgot how to read a moneyline.
5. LEAVING HAPPY HOUR AT 5:45 BECAUSE WIFEY DOESN’T KNOW YOU’RE OUT
Seriously, why did you even come out? Go home to your woman. We’d rather have you skip Happy Hour than watch you fidget with your phone the whole time and then cut out after one round because you «have a lot of stuff to do around the house.» Just don’t go. It’s fine, we’ll get over it.
6 . PRETENDING YOU ENJOY ANTIQUING WHEN THERE’S PERFECTLY GOOD FOOTBALL BEING PLAYED
Do you seriously expect us to believe your cockamamie «I’m fine, I DVR’d it» story? No, because you’re not fine, and we’re going to tell you the score before you get home, just on general principle. The antiques lasted 75 years, we guarantee you they’ll still be there when the Pats have a bye week.
7 . EXPECTING SYMPATHY FOR YOUR UTTERLY PEDESTRIAN SEX LIFE
It cannot be said enough: You signed up for this. It’s a well-known fact that marrying a girl will cause her to turn the booty faucet way down, if not completely off. We don’t care that you’re not getting it like you used to and that when you do it’s like snaking out a shower drain. Don’t tell us about the stuff we warned you about going into it. We prefer our non-guaranteed but enjoyable sex to whatever it is you’ve got going on over there. You brought this on yourself.
8 . TRYING TO CHECK OUR MAN CARD WHEN WE DON’T GO OUT THE ONE WEEKEND SHE’S AWAY
Josie’s on a vacation far away? Is that so? And you want to go out to the bar? You say we’re all kitten vaginas for not going out with you? Really, Chad? You’re going there? Where were you the last twelve times we went to Chotchkie’s for a beer? You were at home knitting potholders is where you were. You also told us you’re not about that anymore, you’re a married man. Know what, Chad? We’re all busy tonight. You’re on your own, Broseph.
9 . USING YOUR NAUSEATING PET NAMES FOR EACH OTHER OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE
if you’re okay with her calling you «Trumpetbutt» and you want to call her «Whistlebritches» — more power to you. That doesn’t mean Public has to hear that. Call your wife Anne or Sarah or Denise — or whatever name her parents gave her. Come on, man… how do you live with yourself?
10 . BRAGGING ABOUT THE MAN CAVE SHE LET YOU BUILD
We have a Man Cave too. It’s called «the entire place.» We don’t let someone else tell us what to watch and where to watch it in the house or apartment that we pay for. And stop saying she’s so «awesome» for giving you permission to build this shrine to the memory of when you had balls. If she was so awesome, she’d watch football
with you instead of sending you to your room.
11 . STICKING BY YOUR «I DON’T MISS THE GTO» STORY THAT WE KNOW IS BALONEY
Because of course you’re happier in that moronic dad car she forced you to trade the 1970 Judge in for. We all believe that. We also believe the aliens pick the World Series winners every year and that Floyd Mayweather is a good guy. Don’t claim you prefer the shackles of a wife-imposed midsize sedan over the American muscle you surrendered. It just insults us all.
12 . LETTING HER TALK YOU INTO MATCHING IPHONE LOCK SCREENS
That’s just… wow. Yeah, let’s maybe just don’t. If you need your iPhone’s lock screen to remind you what your wife looks like — that’s bad. In a world where even having a photo of you two as the lock screen is bad, when they’re puzzle pieced? Come on. Just don’t.
13 . GIVING US ROUND-BY-ROUND RECAPS OF ARGUMENTS
That’s a shame you got in an argument. Is it better now? Good… leave it alone. The less we know the better, because we don’t want to get dragged into a married people argument. That’s like taking sides with the Israelis and Palestinians — nobody wins. It’s not something we need to hear every single «she said this, then she said that, then she said this» for. It’s boring and we don’t really care.
14 . TELLING US IT’S «OKAY TO LOOK»
Well, no… it’s actually not okay. That’s kind of how this whole marriage thing works. When you tell us it’s «okay to look», we never know if you’re trying to convince us or yourself. We’re okay to look because we are not married and have remained as such for a reason. You have «forsaken all others» and we’re not going to thumbs up you for not acting like it. Looking is one thing, justifying it to your buddies is another thing entirely.
15 . ACTING LIKE YOU FORGOT WHAT PUBLIC IS LIKE THE ONE NIGHT WE DO GO OUT
So you finally got paroled for the night, we’re all free, and we go out. Everyone’s having a good time, except you… pounding beers and shouting «Spring Break ’09 woohoo» at the top of your lungs. We understand you need to cram six months of going out into one night — we get that. But you’re about to get left at the bar.
16 . GOING ALONG WITH YOUR WIFE’S STUPID IDEAS LIKE YOU AGREE WITH THEM
Yeah, like you totally think everyone who walks into your house should take their shoes off. Give us a break, we know she decreed it and you just said yes in order to preserve your monthly sex night. The wife reads some baloney on Pinterest about kids not needing to eat honey or look at the color green, and you just say «Yes, dear.» Don’t act like you’re into this. It insults us all.
17 . ENDLESS RETELLING OF BACHELOR PARTY ANECDOTES
Yeah, yeah, you went there, you went here. You got all kinds of wild and had a third beer. Uh huh. Every bachelor party story you tell is one more sign you’re desperately trying to hang on to being cool. Bachelor parties are meant as one last hurrah. Not your arsenal of crazy stories for the rest of your pathetic life. If you want crazy stories more than a year after your wedding, grow a pair and start coming out with us.
18 . EXPECTING US TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS FOR YOU
According to Section 14.3.21 of the Bros Before Hoes statute of Guy Code, we are bound to keep your secrets for you. That means you
can tell us your secrets, not that you should. If you don’t want her to find out you blew a whole $15 at the track, here’s a novel idea — don’t tell her. There’s no need to pull us into your petty web of lies. Fibs like this are the gateway drug to hiding affair children and layoffs.
19. OBSESSING OVER YOUR YARD
Mowing the lawn, landscaping, planting stuff — it’s a bizarre obsession. Sure, it makes your house look good, but you go on and on and on about it. You mow the lawn during football. You ask opinions on hedges and flower planters. You show off your new riding mower like it’s something we care about. How about you just hire a gardener and we talk about sports again?
20 . ASKING US WHEN WE’LL JOIN THIS CULT OF YOURS
«So when are you gonna get married?» When we decide our freedom isn’t worth living anymore. When we grow tired of coming and going as we please. When the craving for being bossed around gets too much to bear. Do you guys get some kind of conversion points for each one of us you bring over? It’s like asking when you’re going to get around to doing muay thai boxing. Maybe it’s not your cup of tea.