In the life of some families there is a problem which is not spoken about. Many women complain that their husbands become less manful. They aren`t interested in anything, they drink alcohol and spend their free time lying on the sofa. The women even forget that once they chose their men themselves and fell in love with them. But they can`t remember what for. Those good traits suddenly disappeared… Or not suddenly?
Does he need to be tamed?
When we meet a man, when we are at the beginning of our relations his masculine power and energy attracts us a lot. We are proud of him if he fearlessly rides a motorbike. We are inspired by his victories in fights. With great enthusiasm we tell our friends how he goes to other cities to take part in races, competitions and wins prizes. And even there aren`t such evident displays of power we are proud of his other merits.
We like when our admirer strictly indicates his position: you won`t go there and that`s all! A slight inner rebellion even may rise but everything calms down after a good man`s punch at the table. You are safe. He`s strong. He`s a real man.
This is what we are waiting for in our family life: he will take the responsibility, bang his fist on the table, take the decision and calms down our anxious mind. We dream of a strong shoulder forgetting that in this case we will have to give up much in our behaviour. A real man at certain sense is very similar to the nature itself. He is so indestructible, unrestrained and wild. And … dangerous. It is dangerous to disturb, heat, provoke, nag or repress this volcano.
When a man gets married his world abruptly changes.
When a man gets married
I know a lot of men whose marriage changed them drastically. One acquaintance of mine stopped communication with all his friends out of love for his wife and for her demand. There remained just a couple of ‘’acceptable’’ pals with whom he could only drink beer on the weekends. At the same time his passion to hiking, alpinism and mountains disappeared from his life, too. It was too dangerous as for a head of the family. That`s why all the equipment was given to friends and acquaintances.
The ultimatums were sharp: “Either me or this”, then followed arguments that he needs to grow up and think about his family. He loved his wife and agreed to everything. He didn`t want to make her a widow or to see her tears and emotions. He loved her and made his choice. And that choice was a hard one.
He became a stay-at-home caring father. At the same time he was very unhappy inside. It was quite evident. He tried to vitalize his manhood by living vicariously through his son`s activities, participating in sports and encouraging masculine character. But it was also prohibited by his wife. She considered their son to be too young for that.
In several years his wife left him for another. For a mad stuntman riding his motorcycle in the city at night. She complained about a loss of passion between her and her husband and how much he had changed, that he wasn`t interested in anything.
But who changed him?
Who forbade him to be a man in this family? Who took away everything which helped him to be a man?
Now he is recovered and has become the one he used to be. Again he climbs the mountains and goes snowboarding. He is full of energy and his eyes are sparkling. Women like him again. But as a terrible result of being emasculated during his marriage he carries a fear of marriage and family as something which can belittle his power and manliness.
This is what often happens. For her convenience after a wedding a woman tries to domesticate her husband. She just doesn`t want to worry about him. She doesn`t want to become a widow. And she doesn`t want him to attract other women. The more he is tamed the less he is interesting to others. “Domesticated” men agree with this. Because they haven`t seen another example – most of them were brought up only by mothers. Others grew up with the same domesticated fathers, bereft of their power. They don`t understand the price they pay and simply call this– to settle down. And because they love us and want to see our happiness.
But the heart remembers and knows everything. And misses the former strength. A man is like a lion locked in a cage who will never become a domestic cat. He can only become a humbled and tamed lion. Have you ever seen such lion`s eyes in the zoo or in the circus? The same thing happens in men`s hearts. The hearts which are bereft of their strength.
Is it a coincidence that middle-aged men often try to shake off the burden of family and have a ball? They buy a racing car, leave their wives or do something extremal? And if it`s impossible then they become keen on computer games to be a hero there…
In Europe racing cars such as “Ferrari” are driven by old men. And they press the gas pedal with a great pleasure. Remembering they are men. And they are still dangerous.
We want to marry a superman who won our heart by his feats and courage. And it`s more convenient — I’ll stress this word convenient — with a stay-at-home deadhead who does something boring and safe, washes the dishes and the floor and he isn`t interesting to anybody. Even to us. Convenience has to be paid by respect and our own happiness…
Man`s power is necessary for both
Women may deny but they secretly dream that their husbands will become the same they were erenow: wild, strong, unrestrained and dangerous. When he came home he would hug her so that she gasped. If they quarreled and she lost control he would say his absolute “No” and bounce his fist on the table. And his eyes would burn with power and passion.
The only difficulty is that you should become different with such a man. You shouldn`t tease or provoke him or pour oil on the flame when he is angry.
I heard a story that once a husband broke his wife`s laptop when they were quarrelling. This is one of men`s power displays and we should be very careful with it. The computer is better than something else, isn`t it?
Imagine you are a chemist at the manufacture. You should know for sure which substances can be mixed and which can`t. Otherwise problems may occur. You take every bottle and think what may happen. You have a certain instruction which says how to treat the bottles, how to move and keep them.
A man should be treated the same way. The problem is that we have no instruction in this case. And we carry out experiments. Something was melted. Something was blown up. Here we crippled. It wouldn`t be a big deal if we kept in mind what caused these results. For example we shouldn`t make angry our men if they are in a bad mood. Most of us know it but who follows this advice? Who first tries to recover man`s temper and cheer him up and only then discuss problems? Practically nobody does it…
More often an irritated man gets complains, anger and reproves from his wife. And an explosion happens! Its amplitude ranges depending on the man`s character and how much oil was poured on the flame by his wife. But there are always victims and destruction.
We shouldn`t divert or disturb a man inspired by something. At last he is going to hammer a nail. Don`t prevent him from doing that. Your pieces of advice such as “not this way” or “not there” will not only irritate him but discourage him to hammer nails ever henceforth.
Are men dangerous?
Men are really dangerous. But trying to tame and curb men women harm themselves. Because they don`t want to have children with a domestic deadhead. They don’t want to cook or to be beautiful for him. Such a man deserves rather pity and contempt than love and respect.
If a man has his strength it`s not easy for a woman. She should learn to communicate with her husband in a safe way. She has to worry about him more often. She should learn to trust him absolutely. And she should realize that such a man attracts other women. That`s why she has to remain the best woman for him. The most beautiful, the most loving, the tenderest and the most unpredictable. This is another kind of choice and another life. Stop controlling him. Stop checking his telephones and stop making him to come home in time. Don`t tell him with whom to communicate and what to do. Don`t evaluate his hobby from the point of view of its safety. Renew a passion for life in him again and again.
My husband is going to take part in IronMan next year. It sounds terrible for me: he will run, swim and ride a bike all day long. It takes much power, stamina and time. He needs to train, buy the equipment, take part in marathons. And I`ll have to accept his absence, being busy and tired.
But all those are fiddlesticks compared with the shining of his eyes when he speaks about this. Running 10 miles or swimming a mile makes him stronger both physically and morally.
Some men dream of a motorbike and my husband is one of them. And morally I am getting ready for the day it happens. I`ll have to worry about him more. And trust him more.
An acquaintance of mine was very afraid but agreed for buying a motorbike by her husband. In several years the husband became a successful businessman and now he carries his wife by car. But every evening he rides his iron horse. She says though they have been married for 10 years his desire for her hasn`t gone. After he bought a bike this desire increased.
Doing sports, alpinism, skiing, races, business trips, dangerous travels, feats and extreme activities, communication with other men and other things which we want to protect our men from actually give them strength and courage. The strength to remain a man with us. The courage to take the responsibility. Always and in any situation. The strength of stamina and austerity. A real man`s strength which we appreciate and miss so much.
John Eldredge about men
After all I want to share with you one quotation from John Eldredge`s book “Wild at heart”, which inspired me to write this article. Men are really dangerous. But a scalpel is dangerous, too. It can both injure you and save your life. You try to make it safe by blunting it; you give it to the one who knows how to use it.
If you`ve ever watched horses you know that stallions can bring a lot of problems. They are strong, very strong and varmint. Stallions usually don`t like a bridle and they can be very aggressive, especially when there are mares near them. A stallion is difficult to tame.
If you want to have a calmer and less dangerous animal there is a simple step- to castrate it. A gelding is more appeasable. It will do what you say and won`t even protest.
You`ll have only one problem with him: he isn`t able to give life. He won`t do what a stallion can. A stallion is a dangerous animal but if you need a life which he can give you have to accept that he is dangerous. One goes with another…